I think bluntness is oftentimes unappreciated by people, but I always find it sobering and very good for me. It makes me open my eyes, allows me to stop self-deluding, and makes me realize someone is a real friend who actually cares. You can only be direct, blunt, harsh and honest with those you really care about and feel comfortable with. I appreciate when people care enough about me to be open and honest. It can be hard sometimes. I know I am not always open and honest, but it’s more when I feel vulnerable, and less when I am trying to help someone.
Like Margaret Thatcher said, “Yes the medicine is harsh, but the patient requires it.”
Day I first started talking with Erik. DAMN IT HAS BEEN A YEAR! Time flies.
Day I moved to New York.
Another friend leaves town. So sad. I keep making friends and getting close with people who aren’t in New York for much longer. :(
Still riding the struggle bus. Trying to get on that OkCupid shit. HAH.
I feel like Erik doesn’t really want to see me or hang out with me anymore. Really depressing.
You think you’re moving on and you hang out with him and he’s seemingly perfect. Bright, insightful, understanding, empathetic, worldly, forgiving, funny and caring.
It’s been time for a while. But it’s still hard.
I have been so depressed and stressed out this week from work and from being sick and finding a replacement for my old apartment that I feel like just shooting myself. My body is full of stress and I can’t release it. The only time I felt fine was when I was with Erik hanging out yesterday. And just thinking about that makes me even sadder and angrier and upset….it’s like I feel so perfectly happy and stress-free and comfortable, but then when I leave I realize it will never, ever be anything like I want it to be, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. And it just eats away at me. It eats away so much and it aches so much. I just wish I had never gotten myself into this situation. I don’t know how I did. Why does he care so little and I so much? I just don’t get it. AND WHY CAN’T I JUST MAKE MYSELF STRESS-FREE? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE HIM?
First my best friend dies from cancer when I am 14. And now this? Are you fucking kidding me universe? Do I not have enough reasons to hate my life? I know my personal reasons are petty - unrequited love, estranged family, lack of fulfillment sometimes - but I just wish it didn’t happen to such good people I love. It’s not fair. It isn’t fair. He’s better than me. Why can someone do everything right and still get fucked over?