Bluntness

I think bluntness is oftentimes unappreciated by people, but I always find it sobering and very good for me. It makes me open my eyes, allows me to stop self-deluding, and makes me realize someone is a real friend who actually cares. You can only be direct, blunt, harsh and honest with those you really care about and feel comfortable with. I appreciate when people care enough about me to be open and honest. It can be hard sometimes. I know I am not always open and honest, but it’s more when I feel vulnerable, and less when I am trying to help someone. 

Like Margaret Thatcher said, “Yes the medicine is harsh, but the patient requires it.”

48 Hours

I have been so depressed and stressed out this week from work and from being sick and finding a replacement for my old apartment that I feel like just shooting myself. My body is full of stress and I can’t release it. The only time I felt fine was when I was with Erik hanging out yesterday. And just thinking about that makes me even sadder and angrier and upset….it’s like I feel so perfectly happy and stress-free and comfortable, but then when I leave I realize it will never, ever be anything like I want it to be, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. And it just eats away at me. It eats away so much and it aches so much. I just wish I had never gotten myself into this situation. I don’t know how I did. Why does he care so little and I so much? I just don’t get it. AND WHY CAN’T I JUST MAKE MYSELF STRESS-FREE? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE HIM?

Cancer

First my best friend dies from cancer when I am 14. And now this? Are you fucking kidding me universe? Do I not have enough reasons to hate my life? I know my personal reasons are petty - unrequited love, estranged family, lack of fulfillment sometimes - but I just wish it didn’t happen to such good people I love. It’s not fair. It isn’t fair. He’s better than me. Why can someone do everything right and still get fucked over?